A thought or two...

Each time a man stands up for an ideal,
or acts to improve the lot of others,
or strikes out against injustice,
he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope,
and crossing each other from a million
different centers of energy and daring,
those ripples build a current which can sweep down
the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
- rfk

I like this quote...as long as there's serious thinking done about the ideal, what it means to "improve the lot of others," what is truly "injustice," "oppression," and "resistance."

I'm knee-deep in Alasdair MacIntyre right now, who through offering a disquieting suggestion of the state of morality (the fact that you're probably thinking about the Religious Right or some Bible-beating fundamentalist has something to say about the fall of the pursuit of morality), as well as suggesting a compelling alternative, is driving me to realize I have much to unlearn and relearn.

Probably most centrally the product of my society that the center of meaning in my life is ME...GLORIOUS ME. This is beyond untrue. I don't want to hear it, but the world doesn't revolve around the perpetuation of my life, my opinions, my desires, and my accomplishments. I must become smaller. My ego must shrink. My pride must die.

Richard Foster's doing the best he can to knock me down a notch too. I've walked around telling people Celebration of Discipline "ruined me in the best way possible" far too much now for me not to seek a systematic commitment to applying these disciplines to my life. As Foster says, "With discipline comes freedom."

I think (emphasis on "I think" because I often believe I have grasped something, only to fall down flat on my face time and time again with the same issue that I "thought' I had "grasped" or "beaten" or "moved beyond") I'm finally starting to get my grimy fingers around the truth that my life has been lived at a very surface level and will remain there if I'm not willing to make the sacrifices to go deeper. This has many implications for my life. I'm a big fan of what God is doing in my life, and this growing hunger to go deeper in that life-defining area. I'm a big fan of some sections of my life opening up into greater clarity: my relationship with Bethany, a growing calling and responsibility in my local church family, my role in the world, a bigger and more expansive definition of love (the range from tough discipline to scandalous mercy), things like that.

We'll see how things pan out. I'm workin' hard at this life, and figuring out the role I'm to play in this unfolding drama of humanity that's been taking place for a long time; the world existed before me and will exist after. I CAN affect the world for good; not mainly through my own effort, but through participation and citizenship in God's kingdom. I ALSO CAN affect the world in a negative manner; I did it in college on a consistent basis...it's hopefully less consistent now.

Just a couple thoughts.

In the words of Josh Brown, "that's a tad bit on the convicting side"

"I am certain that many frustrations pastors feel come from a lack of discipline. Not only can regular devotional life and serious Bible study easily go by the wayside, but days can be frittered away fiddling on the insignificant and the little nothings. Without a pattern and discipline of meditation and prayer, study, sermon preparation, visitation, and relaxation the minister will accomplish little and become shallow and sluggish."
- John Drescher.

Maybe this quote means little to you after reading it, sort of light and airy, fluffy and meaningless like a vast majority of Ralph Waldo Emerson's flaky quote-writing (Hitch your wagon to a star...). But this quote carries meaning for me because this simple, humble man came to my seminary last year and through a simple, humble message tore me from limb to limb inside. I promise I'm not exaggerating this. His 45 minutes in my life was the most hard 45 minutes I've ever experienced.

Why? He loved God. He knew God. His presence that day was not unlike Gandalf in the beginning of the Fellowship of the Ring, when he had to use that shadow trick with the booming voice to get Bilbo to give up the ring...but much less scary. There are very few people I've had the benefit of being exposed to in my life who have carried the presence Drescher carried. A presence cultivated through simple, pure (as pure as possible) commitment to Jesus. Not complex at all, but most folks don't have the stones to discipline their lives to structure them around the pursuit of God consistently. I'd put myself in that category at this point. Time will tell if I emerge to embrace and pursue this discipline.

Time will tell.

Jaded...unmotivated

I'm sitting in here in the seminary on a Friday night dealing with several large questions and frustrations looming in my head:
1) I am continually frustrated by my lack of motivation and unwillingness to even make rudimentary steps towards discipline in my life. Why must I struggle so much?
2) (Related to #1) I just spent last night talking with some good friends of mine about a man named Jonathan Edwards, who shared what I consider to be a nasty, convicting truth: those whose faith is weak spend their lives immersed in "woulds." Por ejemplo, "I would like to," or "I should," or "I really do need to," without doing jack squat practically speaking to get to that point.

I find some disturbing elements of this in my life, and that causes me to be a bit upset about the direction my life could potentially turn. Whereas I recognize the providence and grace God extends to me as his child, I cannot deny that Jesus reminded us that in order to be seen as his disciples, we must "pick up our crosses daily and follow him." In short, stop the whining and decide to be a disciple! I find it nearly impossible at this point in my life to walk the middle road between cheap grace and rigid legalism, and it makes me sick to my stomach because my walk seems to be more about cheap grace than anything else. I talk about "intimacy with God" when I'm not living it out...I place extraordinary emphasis on the redemptive acts of God throughout all of human history and the beauty of what it means to enter into a relationship with him that is meant to transform us, our priorities, the way we interact with others: and yet I don't see that transformation happening in my life. Maybe I'm just impatient, and I'm supposed to stop slamming my head against the wall and be still. Or maybe I'm allowing myself to slip into some surface Christianity: some feel-good, say-the-right-things-while-I'm-broken-inside-and-too- afraid-to-let-others-in-on-my-hurt twisted spirituality. I'm just so sick and tired of going through the motions in life like I have been over the past several weeks...well, two months. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...have mercy on me. When my inner life, my motivations, and my driving ambitions deny you. Have mercy on me. I'm frustrated tonight...stream of consciousness writing works best sometimes.